Category Archives: Blog

ART! Who is it Good For? Absolutely Everyone!

  I am in Chapter gallery trying not to touch any of  Jonathan Baldock’s work which is really hard because The Soft Machine is a touchy feely exhibition that everyone wants to climb into/sit on and generally engage with in a physical way. Not on Richard Higlett’s watch. No Siree Bob.  I wonder if his vigilant style of invigilating is necessary and if I’m I’m honest I think he should relax a bit as I contemplate poking my fingers in a large pool of enticing red sand with a beautiful glass sphere dazzling in it’s glittery midst. Then Richard Higlett makes two really good points. Really Good Point Number 1: … Continue reading

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Music to my Ears

From Now On festival - Shape Records at Chapter

I went to the Shape Records thing at Chapter on Saturday  and saw this wonderful woman singing and playing the harp she is called Serafina Steer and I really didn’t expect to like her so much because Cosmic Marc says she is his favourite by a mile when I ask him so I assume she will be too cosmic for me and also someone says she is a bit like Joanna Newsom who I can’t listen to because Claire from Chapter used to reduce me to tears some mornings by playing her at 8 am when I worked there. That’s the worse thing you can do to me is to … Continue reading

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TRUTH HURTS

I am recovering from a ‘procedure’ which hurt a lot fucking more than they said it would. It’s the kind of procedure that they had me believing ladies are back at their work stations by the afternoon. NOT TRUE. It’s the kind of procedure that I prefer to call an operation and has resulted in me being in bed most of the week. I don’t want to tell you what it was because it’s to do with ovaries and I hate it when females discuss shit like that and The Clitoris on telly to raise a smug nod from audiences who consider themselves enlightened because they have worked out how … Continue reading

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ANGELA

  Me and my husband are in the music room making sweet music together. Sorry I just imagined my kids being sick in their mouths. I’ll rephrase that. Me and my husband are doing a spot of recording. We referred to it as the music room as soon as we moved in – long before the studio was set up. When my husband’s dad called round his wife was impressed. ‘A music room! We know someone who has one of those!’  She said galloping up the stairs. ‘They’ve got a baby grand in theirs!’ ‘I’t’s not finished yet.’ We tried to say as she ran into the empty room with … Continue reading

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DANGER! DANGER!

Why do you hate me? Daughter number one wants to know in a text after I miss several of her calls. Because you coerce the other kids into not responding to my group texts. I reply before  phoning her up. I am referring to a message I sent to the three of them last Saturday night asking them all to check their fire alarms. Daughter number two replies immediately to tell me to get a life and the boy straight after her to inform me that he is on a date but he would be careful around fires. Daughter number one decides it’s funny not to get back and takes … Continue reading

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THE FIRST TIME EVER I SAW YOUR FACE

  Come Dine With Me is on – or Come Down With Me as me and my husband refer to it as because we only seem to watch it after a massive sesh. It’s the bit where they’re all pissed and recalling their first impressions of one another. ‘When I first met you I thought that all you cared about was your appearance but I think the absolute world of you now.’ A man says to another man. Then everyone has a hug before slagging off the dessert. What the fuck?? For a start – How can you think the absolute world of someone after meeting them twice?? I ‘thought … Continue reading

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RULES IS RULES

Daughter number one has been giving me shit about the lack of commas in my work. ‘You should let me edit it for you.’ I am totally affronted by this even though she did edit the Kings College newspaper ROAR! whilst at uni. ‘I don’t need you to edit it thank you I am phasing them out.’ ‘You can’t ‘phase out’ commas! Who do you think you are? It’s the law of grammar.’ ‘I am quite aware of the rules of grammar thank you.’ I don’t know why I keep saying thank you as I am not at all thankful  for her contribution to this conversation. ‘Its just loads of really long … Continue reading

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If I never see that cunts face again it will be too SWN.

I am attempting to see some bands again today at SWN. Fuck knows why.  You would think I would have learned by now. Last night was one of of the most truly horrible nights I have the misfortune to endure since… well the last time I went to SWN. Anyway I am on Womanby Street.  It’s pissing down. There is a massive queue outside Clwb. I know there’s not a chance in hell of getting past the guy on the door in time to catch Alex Dingley Band. I know this because the guy on the door tells me there is no way I am getting in to see Alex … Continue reading

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Just Married

Me and my boyfriend got married. From now on the character formerly known as ‘my boyfriend’ will be referred to as ‘my husband’. Anyway we are on phase one of our honeymoon. We are staying at a beautiful cottage in west Wales owned by some friends of ours. When we arrive next to the instructions for the boiler and how to deal with a neighbour they describe as a ‘bothersome irritant’ there is a hand-made card with a crudely drawn cock on the front propped up on a big bottle of Leffe. HAPPY HONEYMOON is scrawled on the top in black marker pen.               … Continue reading

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SHIT OFF COCK ASS

It’s funny how swear words come in and out of fashion. Like shit off. No one says that anymore do they? Well I do but that’s because I am big fan of retro swearing. It’s particularly effective when you do the spin thing with your middle finger at the same time. I ask my boyfriend what naughty words they had in Trinidad when he was growing up. There’s only 4 months between us in age but he was born in Port of Spain and didn’t move to the UK until he was 15. I think this is why he has such a such a sunshiney demeanour today because his formative … Continue reading

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IT REALLY HAS GONE TITS UP.

I have been working on a programme which is to be aired next month on Radio Wales. It’s a half hour monologue called It’s All Gone Tits Up and it’s based on the short piece about me getting breast cancer that I read in the Laugharne festival this year. I am a bit worried in case they want me to change anything when I open the e-mail. Change fuck to something softer like bugger or pants it starts off referring to the fifth line in. The line is; Fuck. It doesn’t get worse than this. (It picks up a bit later on) IT. DOESN’T. GET. WORSE. THAN. THIS. ‘I’m sorry’ … Continue reading

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Sydney Vicious vs Venus Flytrap

‘Nature is so brutal!’ My boyfriend bursts into the bedroom traumatised. ‘Good god! What do you mean?’ I imagine he has witnessed something terrible like a pensioner getting their eyes pecked out by seagulls. It transpires the Venus Flytrap has got hold of a spider. My boyfriend has never had the stomach for such violence. The first time he saw my adorable little Staffordshire bull terrier Sydney defending himself from another dog by nearly ripping it’s leg off he nearly fainted. ‘Why did you get such a vicious dog??’ He wailed in a state of shock forward slash disbelief on the way home. ‘Well he didn’t look that vicious when … Continue reading

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IDENTITY CRISIS 2

Alan from The Hangover

My boyfriend hates it when people say he is Alan from The Hangover. When we went to Scotland he was mobbed in Burger King by thirty pissed Glaswegians on a stag do and had to make a dash to the van before he was torn limb from limb leaving me to carry all the burgers. I tell him he is just gonna have to suck it up because he is not shaving his beard off. I remind him that my son said I looked like Jimmy Saville a few years ago when I bleached my hair and went through a phase of wearing track-suits which I thought was a bit … Continue reading

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Identity Crisis

‘I’ve paid the TV licence. In full.’ My boyfriend announces one afternoon. ‘I thought we had a TV licence.’ I say. ‘Well they phoned to say the direct debit has lapsed to I just bought one.’ My boyfriend has always commended himself on his ability to calmly address, tackle and solve any problem he may be alerted to via the telephone. I on the other hand hate dealing with people this way and will not pick up unless I know exactly who is on the other end and sometimes I don’t pick up even then. The new licence arrives a few days later I notice they spelled my boyfriend’s name … Continue reading

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FUNERAL

AUNTIE MARGARET: You know every Sunday morning Denis used to tell me a joke and I wouldn’t get it and he’d say ‘Maggie I’m going to the shower and when I get back you’ll get it’ – but I never did. ME: I got one for you – Bear walks into a bar AUNTIE MARGARET: WHO? ME: A Bear AUNTIE MARGARET: WHO?? ME: A BEAR! So this bear walks into a bar, he goes ‘I’ll have a rum and.. AUNTIE MARGARET: Coke! ME: NO! He goes ‘I’ll have a rum and.. AUNTIE MARGEARET: Coke! ME: NO! Godammit! I haven’t got to that bit… He goes ‘I’ll have a rum and … Continue reading

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IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT THE MONEY AND THE BITCHES

‘So? What have you been up to?’ My sister’s boyfriend dutifully makes his annual enquiry. We are enjoying a pub lunch on her birthday. ‘Gathering stuff together mainly to include in a book I’m hoping to publish.’ Daughter number two, the boy, my sister and her boyfriend start laughing their heads off. ‘What’s it about?’ Daughter number two asks. ‘Loads of things’ ‘You’ll never get a book published unless it’s about something.’ She tells me sternly. ‘Excuse me? Sorry? When was the last time you published a book?’ ‘What is it?’ My Sister attempts a soothing tone whilst wiping the tears from her eyes. ‘Is it a horror?’ More laughter. … Continue reading

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IMAGINE

‘I know a story about Billy Idol well it’s a story about me really but Billy Idol is in it..’ I tell a bunch of people hanging on my every word in a kitchen at a party somewhere. Then I get woken up by the kid who cries all the way to school every day. ‘This is the best status I’ve read all year!’ Angharad Blythe informs me when I put it on facebook and points me in the direction of a 100 word fiction competition. It is shortly after this I arrive at something of a worrying conclusion. I have no imagination. My friends say this is not true … Continue reading

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VOICEOVER

Some people have the kind of voice that will cut through anything. I know most of you will think it hilarious that I of all people should be offended by this after a lifetime spent booming round the living rooms of long suffering friends and relatives and random strangers. It’s not the volume I object to it’s the tone. It cuts through the Star Ship Enterprise hum of the train and arrives in my head crisp and pristine not a word missing. ‘I like hot countries. I don’t know if I could live there though.’ The girl in the next aisle tells the woman opposite her. It transpires she is … Continue reading

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K2

    It is Saturday night and I am in bed reading. When I say in bed I mean on an airbed on the floor in daughter number one’s pad in Peckham because the boy is running the Brighton marathon in the morning and has commandeered her double divan for himself. ‘Are you sure you’ll be alright there mam?’ She asks ‘She’s fine!’ The boy butts in. ‘She hasn’t got to run a bloody marathon in the morning has she?’ Well that’s settled that then. I am reading a book I bought in Laugharne called ‘Eleven’ which has been signed by its author Mark Watson. I didn’t go to see … Continue reading

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GUESS WHO’S DEAD?

Illuminati?

GUESS WHO’S DEAD?   My best mate Dazza is on the blower. ‘Guess whose dead?!’ It’s a game we have played since school. ‘Shit! Er.. Oh god! Fuck! I don’t know.’ ‘Margaret Thatcher! Hahahaha!’ I know he is laughing as much over the death of this ghoul from our childhood as he is because he has scored yet another point against me. He wasn’t as overjoyed for example when he pounced into my bedroom one morning to inform me of Mother Teresa’s passing. Oh god! I just noticed that Mother Teresa and Margaret Thatcher have the same initials! Life seems full of really spooky coincidences since daughter number 2 called … Continue reading

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It’s All Gone Tits Up!

IT’S ALL GONE TITS UP By Mel Daley Laugharne 2013.   When you tell your family and friends you have cancer they instantly recall a montage of images of you with them at intermittent moments of shared pleasure and then they construct a new sequence of future scenes without you and in that moment they have already said goodbye. This is why they cry. Fuck. One might imagine it doesn’t get much worse than this. ‘It can also cause vaginal dryness Melanie and loss of libido and possibly trigger the early onset of the menopause.’ My newly appointed Keyworker Grace is talking me through the side effects of the chemotherapy. … Continue reading

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Writers Can be TWATS

Writers can be twats. Yes before you all start I know anyone is capable of being a twat but I am a writer and I am a twat especially when it comes to the self-imposed conditions I claim I need to write. I know one can effectively write on bus tickets beer mats backs of envelopes from the inland revenue flyers with eyeliner crayons or whatever else can be dug out of pockets or handbags because I have done so many times. Well not any more. I have been in my new house a week now and have I done any writing? Well yes and no. No because I can’t … Continue reading

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Lets get drunk…

Mel Daley Sexy Mrs Fung

It is 6pm on my 40th birthday and me and my boyfriend are flat out in bed watching the aptly named Delicacy starring Audrey Tautou. Rock and Roll. I am finding it hard to concentrate on the subtitles for two reasons the first being I can hardly see them because of my ailing sight which I have not addressed due to the fact every time I contemplate buying myself some expensive and stylish eyewear daughter number two has other more pressing plans for my pay packet. The other being the room is strewn with presents the most distracting of which is a life-sized portrait of me painted by one of … Continue reading

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Space. The Final Front Lobe..

SPACE: THE FINAL FRONT LOBE.   It’s been a very long time since I have ventured quite so far into the often if not totally forgotten territories of my own mind. When I say a very long time I am a person who clearly has no concept of the space time contuum.  In my mind Bitter Sweet Symphony was out recently. Anyway we are at a festival in Cornwall. It is quite posh. There are stalls selling locally sourced  lobster and flutes of fizz. I’ve never been a fan of champagne but I like the notion of it and the sound of people quaffing it. My boyfriend decides this would … Continue reading

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TALK ABOUT MY GENERATION

  TALK ABOUT MY GENERATION.. I am so fed up with people infiltrating my inbox and posting shit through my front door. I suppose I could erect some sort of sign saying NO SHIT! And If I’m honest I have no idea why I haven’t already done so, it would take me five minutes or less, yet every day I moan about the piles of said shit mounting up on the kitchen table, which will remain there for a couple of decades until I decide to put it in the recycling. Take the other day for example, a nice glossy card arrives displaying beautifully landscaped gardens which I initially presume … Continue reading

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Never Having My Own Way.

Never Having My Own Way.   Recently I have become consumed with Having My Own Way all the time or perhaps more accurately Never Having My Own Way at any time despite declaring vociferously my specific requirements to anyone in a twenty mile radius. It all started when I sustained a nasty injury whilst demonstrating the ancient art of body popping to a group of eighteen year-olds at a club on 2 4 1 cocktails night. I didn’t go to the hospital because Long Island Iced Tea is a great painkiller and also because I am very hard and cool. I am so hard and cool I don’t mind suffering … Continue reading

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BUMPER FESTIVAL ISSUE

BUMPER FESTIVAL ISSUE   It’s Friday. It’s the first day of June. The sun is shining. The conditions are seemingly perfect for our outing to Blue Lagoon festival in West Wales. My Boyfriend has loaded the car while I have spent the afternoon trawling through images of Daughter Number Two so I can make bunting with her face on for her eighteenth birthday party scheduled to take place in two days. ‘Who’s Spiderman duvet is that?’ ‘Doesn’t matter. Get in.’ My Boyfriend says when I arrive at our friend Tom’s. The plan is we will leave in a convoy so we can all arrive at the same time and set … Continue reading

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LIGHTS! CAMERA!…

  LIGHTS! CAMERA!…   I have spent most of the last week trying to persuade daughter number two that getting a job is a great idea. This has been difficult for a number of reasons. The obvious one being she doesn’t think it’s a great idea. Even though Daughter number one and The Boy successfully managed to work throughout  sixth form and university without any catastrophic effects on their studies this it seems would be totally out of the question for her.  She simply does not have the time to work AND walk the dog AND study OK? Naturally this has been a bone of contention for the older two … Continue reading

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PEOPLE ARE STRANGE

PEOPLE ARE STRANGE   My kids guffaw when I frequently ascertain that I am the most normal person I know. Take the other day for example. I was sitting in the cafe minding my own business when this guy snaps his laptop open opposite me. I tell myself I am imagining the fact he is staring at me. ‘I see you’re working with figures.’ He says, like he is accusing me of something. ‘Um.. not really.’ I say ‘Do you know anything about variable statistics?’ He asks covertly. ‘Um.. no.’ He looks dejected. ‘Oh right. It’s just I’m stuck on something that’s all.’ ‘I’m really sorry’ I say like it’s … Continue reading

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THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH

THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH ‘Fancy going to see the Australian Pink Floyd tomorrow night?’ The text said. I would rather stick forks in my eyes was my initial response having spent my formative years surrounded by stoners harping on about ‘Floyd maaan….’ ‘We’re on the guest list.’ ‘OK’. I found my fingers texting back. The world famous Australian Pink Floyd Show! boasted the web page. The biggest and most spectacular Pink Floyd show on the planet! Critically acclaimed, the jaw-dropping performances have taken Pink Floyd fans by storm! I pointed out I am not a Pink Floyd fan. An outstanding tribute to Pink Floyd which will blow your mind! … Continue reading

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GROWING UP

GROWING UP   What do you want to be when you grow up? It’s a frequently asked question. When I was a child the answer to such a question would be likely to be a doctor, teacher, policeman or any other such cheery representative of cosy village life contained within the the brightly coloured pages of what would ultimately turn out to be grossly misleading literature we were exposed to at the time. Today that answer is more often than not ‘famous!’ Famous for what? One might ask. ‘Anything’ is the most likely answer. This is not necessarily as flippant as it sounds. In today’s culture it’s completely conceivable to … Continue reading

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